Everything

ive been emotional and physically depressed and damaged for 10 years. Basically 10 years this November I'm grandpa died. I was 3 months into my job and I found out my grandpa was in and out of the hospital and things were only getting worse. I found out he was in the icu and it wasn't good. I wanted to see him, but me being only 3 months into my job asking for a day off was really hard to do. Finally I was able to get a Saturday off to go see him. It was Thursday I got out of work early that day and was at home playing my game like I always do. my mom comes over so I thought I might as well let her know now that I got Saturday off to see grandpa so I told her but she looked at my dad and said " how do I tell him " my dad said " just tell him " so my mom walk over to me and she asked me " u know how grandpa wasn't doing ok in the hospital and stuff right? " I said " yea " then she's like " well today they went to check up on him and his face was pale and wasn't breathing so they put him in a oxygen bag to give his brain some oxygen and help him breath but he was already gone " it took about a few seconds for it to sink in and I balled my eyes out. At the moment my life changed since that day I haven't cried or got emotional at all. Then I met Julia which was the happiest days of my life. We hanged out and talked Skype having sooo much fun together. It was like a dream come true and I fell in love. But not everything was as it seems, Julia didn't feel the same way about me. But with me not having the experience with being in love I didn't realize it. After we hanged out a lot and spent so much time together I wanted to ask her out but she was in Florida with her family visiting her uncle. i didn't wanna ask her over Skype or call or text cause I wanted to ask her in person cause i thought it would mean so much more and it would be more special to do it that way. I didn't tell her I wanted to ask her out cause I wanted to surprise her when she got back from Florida when I see her. But unfortunately when she got back she started going out on dates with other guys and I thought myself I just blew it, Then she agree to go out on a date with me and we had a good time. Yea we didn't get to go on our date long cause she had a doctors appointment that afternoon and it caused a delay but it's ok. At one point I thought about asking Julia if we could reschedule our date for another day when Andy this guy who she really liked at the time he had called her when me and her were skyping just before our date. He asked her if she wanted to hang out. i knew deep down she wanted to go be with him but because of who Julia is she didn't and she continued to wanna go on the date with me. We had a great time until I got home I found out she got assaulted by some man on her way home and my heart just sank. The woman I was in love with got hurt and I wasn't there to protect her. About a week later I spent the whole day at her house, walked with her and her dog, we cuddled in bed watching a movie. Everything was going great but little did I know that it was going great at all the whole time. She woke up in middle of the morning and we talked for a breif moment and we told each other we love each other and that she wanted to be in my arms again. But at the moment that was the last good thing that happened that day. As I woke up to Julia telling me we need a break and that she felt uncomfortable the whole time I was with her at her house. She said sorry to me she didn't tell me that she wanted me to leave the moment I got there cause she didn't wanna hurt my feelings. When that happened I felt like my heart was stabbed multiple times. And for the first time in my life since my grandpa died I felt like I was gonna cry cause I was hurt so bad. Ever since everything happened with Julia i shut down cause she was the light at the end of my tunnel and she kept me sane, but I realized after that there wasn't a light at the end of my tunnel after searching for that light my whole life. After taking sooo much time recovering from all that I needed to find myself and be happy on my own and which I am. Now this girl I work with I kinda have a crush on her well that's why I think it is and I wanna get to know her more and ask her for her number but everything I have the opportunity to I choke and the words never come out. people say it's just a number and u know that but in reality it's more than just a number cause we start talking more and something happens between us idk how to go from there cause I basically never been in a relastionship before and I never had a gf either. I know life is about making mistakes and learning from them. But if I make a mistake or mess up with her I could lose my friendship with her and it's not worth asking her for her number if it's gonna cost me our friendship. With everything that happened with Julia, it's clouding my judgment and decision making and idk what to do anymore but just accept that I'm just better off with just me cause while I'm still dealing with everything I'll just be wasting every girls time by talking to them with possible future or next step in our friendship. I'm not blaming Julia for anything, its just unfortunate events that happened.

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